1st Attempt at sobriety using Methadone and a little background.

So it's my 1st out of many attempts at getting sober that I’m using Methadone. The reason I decided to go down the medication route and not the rehab/groups route is, I've done the rehab thing before. And I must say that it did work for a short while. But I already know what I’m going to get out of that and expect all their activities to be somewhat the same. And since I tried and fail before, I think this time it won’t be much different. And then I thought real hard and I came up with a point that is very noteworthy. I must take care of the cravings. That is something that would set me up for failure if I didn’t do this big step in my recovery from Heroin.
Now if you knew me you might be asking a question, what about Alcohol? Are you going to seek help in that area of your life also? And to answer that question, I have to know that something took place while I was addicted to Heroin for 4 years. I replaced my Alcohol addiction with a Heroin addiction. Even though I was still using Alcohol on top of heroin, I feel that it was no longer important to me and I still feel the same way. I even intend on going to NA Meetings later this week. Now am I scared this my abstinence from heroin will lead me back to alcohol addiction? Of course! Should I stop drinking? Hell yea! But do I feel like I should cut alcohol completely from my life? Not if I can drink moderately. And that’s what I’ve been doing recently. My whole life evolved around heroin, alcohol was just there to give me a buzz from time to time. And to tell you the truth I’m not even sure I like the buzz from alcohol anymore. Maybe it’s something that just came with age. But of course I have got to be very attentive as far as alcohol cravings. And I also plan on going to therapy at least twice a week, I just don’t know where yet. I might go back to where I used to go when I got out of my second psych ward visit for a suicide attempt(expect a blog just about my psych ward visits later on) in June.
This time though the whole process just feels different. I’m much more confident and optimistic about the outcome. And it seems like I really have my parents support this time. Not like last time when they said they were there but the trust, patient, compassion along with many more things that would’ve given the hope weren’t. This time they actually believe I might go all the way with my recovery which makes me so happy. It makes me think that someone actually thinks I’m strong enough for this. Of course I didn’t explain to them what Methadone actually is. But little by little I’ll tell them more about it. My parents are the traditional Brazilian parents. They put on a front to the outside world their family is fine when there are so many things wrong. But they are more traditional in the sense that they are both from small towns in Brazil. Both came to the big city (Sao Paulo) in their early 20s or so to find more/better jobs. Then when they started having kids, it was entirely the mom’s job to discipline the kids. I of course wish my mom would’ve been the easy one to get along with. Instead she was the ruler of the house. And if it didn’t go her way, or I misbehaved, we would get beaten. Then the part we missed about discipline, education and growing up was the notorious sex and drug talk. See we never had that so I had to find out what drugs was about on my own. This of course was years before I could ever look anything up on the internet. I relied basically on school and MTV to teach me about drugs. So when curiosity and youth kicks in, it’s a recipe for disaster. Then when I was already sucked in by the fog, the rave scene came along and showed me newer and more dangerous tricks. It is very true when they say that the kids in NYC grow up too fast.
I am so glad though that I am out of that world of drugs. And this has nothing to do with the rave scene, I still respect the music that’s associated with it, and the promoters or the rave scene itself does not condone drug use. It’s a choice each raver takes among her/himself. Moving right along, I’m so happy I’m out of that vicious cycle. I’ve had a long past with Alcohol, Cocaine/Crack, Crystal Meth, Ecstasy, Pot (even though these is not really an addiction drugs) and Heroin, so I have been in different types of hell for most of my life. I am sick and tired of being broke, of having no one in my family believe in me. Of being looked down upon. Of waiting for drug dealers come when they want to come. Heroin and opiates has been the last of my addiction. It seems that throughout the years I’ve just been replacing addictions. See this is another reason why I decided not to do rehab again. I already know a lot about my addiction for me to deal privately with a therapist or psychologist on a 1 on 1 basis. And keep seeing my psychiatrist so I can get my meds for my Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s nothing major, mostly feelings of emptiness and boredom, impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting, intolerance of being alone, recurrent acts of crisis such as wrist cutting, overdosing, or self-injury (such as cutting). So you see, my addiction alone is not the only thing I have to worry about. I also gotta make sure my mental state of mind is at a normal or above stage. Which is not really all that hard, I just got to take my meds, make sure they are still working or if I need to increase/decrease the dosage or change it altogether. So I should keep you guys blogged about my MMT and recovery overall.

Thank you for reading.