Going Full Throttle

    Hello everyone, it’s been a while since I last wrote anything. That’s because my life has been so hectic lately. I was in another psychiatric ward due to an overdose on muscle relaxers and painkillers. Was homeless for a little while and moved into a shelter for two months. I Went through an intense and abusive relationship that ended last month.  I also relapsed many times and continued on the path to sobriety. Gained my parents’ trust back, which I think is one of the most important thing for me.

    So I don’t think it’s even necessary for me to go into details with the things I’ve been through. I learned that I just have to pay attention to what’s going on around me, because whatever I’m going through, there’s a lesson to be learned. After all the pain, feeling betrayed and being heartbroken, I have to accept things as they are and learn to move on. One thing that I will never do again is try to change someone. I’m going to focus entirely on me from now on. My sobriety is the most important thing in my life at this time. The friends that I am lucky enough to have back in my life, as well as those who have been with me through it all. I honestly thank them and there’s a place in my heart for them all. I couldn’t have done it without the help and the kind ears they lent me. I’m so grateful for the forgiveness that god has put into my parents’ heart and therefore was shared with me. I was only hurting myself and my parents couldn’t just stand by and watch it happen in their house while not being able to do anything, so I was forced to find shelter elsewhere. It was rough for a while, and I found people who I thought really cared about me, maybe they did at the time, but sometimes things just take a turn and you see who people truly are. “Friends come into your life for a reason, a season or lifetime.” Whichever the reason is, there’s a lesson to be learned

    Sobriety for me at this point is the only option. The only way out, there is no other option.  It’s essential, a requirement for living. At one point in my life, I felt like I needed alcohol or some drug to make me feel like I was having fun and life was worth living. Alcohol/drugs were the only thing I could think of at the time that would make it easier living day to day, in a hell that they were responsible for. I have been going to so many meetings since last week that I’m actually starting to make them a priority for everyday living. When I get home from my Morning Outpatient Rehab (9am-12pm), I don’t feel like I am content until I find out which meeting I will be attending that evening/night. Also for the first time ever, the numbers I get at meetings are actually being called. Because of that, I am meeting many more sober friends, which is something I desperately seek. So for those of you that want to know, I am attending Narcotics Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. I am currently planning on going to more meetings at the center, and some of them have sex and co-dependency issues into the mix. I have surprised everyone in my group these last 2 weeks, only because I’m showing up every day. Something that was hard for me to do when I was using and roaming the streets with the Tompkins sq. park punk kids. Sobriety is giving me peace of mind for both me and my parents. My mom said that sometimes she would be home worried about me and if I was safe. Even when I was living with her she worried because she knows I’ve put myself in awful situations and some I didn’t even know what was happening because I was passed out or in a blackout.
    Sometimes i think about how this person i was with is doing now. I don't know what he's doing because we cut off all communication, maybe it was for the best, i don't know. but i can tell you this, i miss him terribly. He used to say i'm just co-dependent, i don't know, maybe i am. but i do know the feelings that i have in my heart are real. i wish he felt the same. if he would've came back today apologising asking for forgiveness, i would in a heartbeat. i know he didn't mean it. he too is suffering and going through the things he's going through. two addicts in a relationship is turmoil on it's own. then you add all these other outside distractions and it's pure hell. if we could stay sober, it would be a wonderful thing if we stayed together. i don't know how the future looks for us together again, maybe you can call it wishful thinking, but i hope one day we can work it out and get back together again because i love him and always will. it's just that, i love him, and when he's in pain, i'm in pain. i'd do anything for him, i'm willing to be on his beck and call. just because i love him :(

    I wouldn’t be able to even do half of the things I’m doing without the blessings from the prayers that I say at night to my higher power. I’ve been asking god for strength, courage, wisdom and patience. I honestly feel like I have been blessed these few couple of weeks since I’ve been back home. Since I’ve been praying and attending meetings. I honestly feel like I can do this. I just hope I can show the way to sobriety and piece of mind to another addict. But the time when that is supposed to happen will happen. The only thing I can do now is worry about the current day I’m in. Worry about not picking up in the next 60 seconds. Then the next 60 minutes, and so on... That’s all that matters when it comes to sobriety. Today! I’m just 60 seconds away from a substance, a drink.

Thank you for reading.