The Long Narrow Road

The loneliness of a doomed heart.

2011-06-20T17:40:00.000-04:00

When in a relationship, how do you let go? how do you know you should let go? even if everyone says yes, but your heart and mind says no. I wish i could hold him once again and apologize. For all the things wrong i've ever done to him. but now i see it's what drove us apart. but he was broken also. how do two broken people become a complete whole? sometimes i just choose not to accept certain things because i know how i'll feel without them. but i'm not sure he really understood the depth of my love. i'd climb any mountains to reach him. and now he asks for distance. something i never thought i'd be able to, i must. i'm broken, i'm bruised. how can i continue trying to be a better person when i'm already starting the war losing? I don't want this anymore. i don't see a reason for anything else. nothing really clicks and makes sense anymore.

A rough draft of life...

2010-12-11T23:56:00.000-05:00

So i was talking in my group the other day, and i told them that this is how i feel about growing up and the lessons learned and everybody liked how it sound. so it goes something like this. your teen years, you are going through different things/scenes trying to figure out what you like. your 20s is the time when you've taken what you like and use it and abuse it to the fullest. it's your party years, you have many partners and you are not really trying to get into anything too serious as far as relationships. then your 30s is about maturity, you are completely an adult now and it's serious time now. so you start going after commitments, after serious jobs and serious offers. you are no longer a boy, you are now a man. and you take what you've learned in your teens and 20s and use it to the fullest at trying to make it a source of income. a source of happieness. You are now no longer in play mode, you are in serious mode. so if you got into art in your teens and 20s, now it's time to start painting and start getting your stuff into galleries if you haven't already. in your 20s you start realizing how your ideal mate would be. so in your 30s, you *hopefully* have found your mate and you try and build something more serious and meaningful. and you have all your 30s to make it work and get ready for your 40s. because your 40s is your age where you start to settle down and think about the future and retirering. you start to plan how to work out your savings in your favor to use in your 50s,60s,70s and beyond. use your savings to see the world. buy that corvette. move to a more sunnier place, a happier place. you will then start to live life with all the wisdom you now possess. because they say that you really start living after your 40s. idk, just a thought i had...

Is it really painful?

2010-12-09T22:44:00.002-05:00

It seems that sometimes the best things in life pass us by and we choose the most chaotic and stress filled. But somehow that chaos gives us a level of content. We are not fulfilled until we have some sort of chaotic distraction in our lives to focus our positive energy or rather, all our energy into. So what is it that keeps us coming back to the pain? Is it really pain if it makes us smile? Can love make you forget and can it really conquer all?
It's been 98 booze-free days. wish to never go back, just want to keep climing higher and higher. had an appointment today with a financial aid agency and i'm getting the gears ready for my audio production course. god willing, it shall all work out.
Day by day, little by little.
but I want his love by my side.
i just want him.
in my heart.
unconditionally...
:(

Going Full Throttle

2010-09-15T16:58:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone, it’s been a while since I last wrote anything. That’s because my life has been so hectic lately. I was in another psychiatric ward due to an overdose on muscle relaxers and painkillers. Was homeless for a little while and moved into a shelter for two months. I Went through an intense and abusive relationship that ended last month. I also relapsed many times and continued on the path to sobriety. Gained my parents’ trust back, which I think is one of the most important thing for me.

So I don’t think it’s even necessary for me to go into details with the things I’ve been through. I learned that I just have to pay attention to what’s going on around me, because whatever I’m going through, there’s a lesson to be learned. After all the pain, feeling betrayed and being heartbroken, I have to accept things as they are and learn to move on. One thing that I will never do again is try to change someone. I’m going to focus entirely on me from now on. My sobriety is the most important thing in my life at this time. The friends that I am lucky enough to have back in my life, as well as those who have been with me through it all. I honestly thank them and there’s a place in my heart for them all. I couldn’t have done it without the help and the kind ears they lent me. I’m so grateful for the forgiveness that god has put into my parents’ heart and therefore was shared with me. I was only hurting myself and my parents couldn’t just stand by and watch it happen in their house while not being able to do anything, so I was forced to find shelter elsewhere. It was rough for a while, and I found people who I thought really cared about me, maybe they did at the time, but sometimes things just take a turn and you see who people truly are. “Friends come into your life for a reason, a season or lifetime.” Whichever the reason is, there’s a lesson to be learned

Sobriety for me at this point is the only option. The only way out, there is no other option. It’s essential, a requirement for living. At one point in my life, I felt like I needed alcohol or some drug to make me feel like I was having fun and life was worth living. Alcohol/drugs were the only thing I could think of at the time that would make it easier living day to day, in a hell that they were responsible for. I have been going to so many meetings since last week that I’m actually starting to make them a priority for everyday living. When I get home from my Morning Outpatient Rehab (9am-12pm), I don’t feel like I am content until I find out which meeting I will be attending that evening/night. Also for the first time ever, the numbers I get at meetings are actually being called. Because of that, I am meeting many more sober friends, which is something I desperately seek. So for those of you that want to know, I am attending Narcotics Anonymous, Crystal Meth Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous. I am currently planning on going to more meetings at the center, and some of them have sex and co-dependency issues into the mix. I have surprised everyone in my group these last 2 weeks, only because I’m showing up every day. Something that was hard for me to do when I was using and roaming the streets with the Tompkins sq. park punk kids. Sobriety is giving me peace of mind for both me and my parents. My mom said that sometimes she would be home worried about me and if I was safe. Even when I was living with her she worried because she knows I’ve put myself in awful situations and some I didn’t even know what was happening because I was passed out or in a blackout.
Sometimes i think about how this person i was with is doing now. I don't know what he's doing because we cut off all communication, maybe it was for the best, i don't know. but i can tell you this, i miss him terribly. He used to say i'm just co-dependent, i don't know, maybe i am. but i do know the feelings that i have in my heart are real. i wish he felt the same. if he would've came back today apologising asking for forgiveness, i would in a heartbeat. i know he didn't mean it. he too is suffering and going through the things he's going through. two addicts in a relationship is turmoil on it's own. then you add all these other outside distractions and it's pure hell. if we could stay sober, it would be a wonderful thing if we stayed together. i don't know how the future looks for us together again, maybe you can call it wishful thinking, but i hope one day we can work it out and get back together again because i love him and always will. it's just that, i love him, and when he's in pain, i'm in pain. i'd do anything for him, i'm willing to be on his beck and call. just because i love him :(

I wouldn’t be able to even do half of the things I’m doing without the blessings from the prayers that I say at night to my higher power. I’ve been asking god for strength, courage, wisdom and patience. I honestly feel like I have been blessed these few couple of weeks since I’ve been back home. Since I’ve been praying and attending meetings. I honestly feel like I can do this. I just hope I can show the way to sobriety and piece of mind to another addict. But the time when that is supposed to happen will happen. The only thing I can do now is worry about the current day I’m in. Worry about not picking up in the next 60 seconds. Then the next 60 minutes, and so on... That’s all that matters when it comes to sobriety. Today! I’m just 60 seconds away from a substance, a drink.

Thank you for reading.

Why don't I give another go at it?

2010-04-23T17:08:00.001-04:00

So my life has been very eventful in the past couple of weeks. I’ve been homeless, in a psych ward, in rehab and back to work. I came to the conclusion for the 30th time that I know very well that I cannot handle alcohol. I seriously can handle everything else, but when it comes to alcohol, it just destroys me and leaves me in the gutter. So I haven’t had a drink since May 5th. I’m taking a medication that’s supposed to control the alcohol urges. I guess it’s been helping so far. I’m also having help from close friends and my father as far as my family goes. I feel like I’ve been forsaken by my family, which I have in a way. But cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it, right? So when I was in the psych ward my diagnosis was depression, PTSD and Borderline personality disorder. All of which I’m well aware of; I know that normal people don’t think the way I think. I know normal lives can’t be conducted by the thought patterns that are in my head. The things I think of everyday is just so overwhelming, I can’t help but keep reliving horrible things that have happened in my life, situations where I was bleeding, where I almost had bones broken, situations of abuse of all kind. I keep trying to get over it but I just have a hard time, and then when I discuss it with people, they think I’m just exaggerating or making things up. I guess I just have to be strong and follow through on therapy and things that are going to help and not hurt. So far I’m feeling very optimistic about my recovery and with new medications for some of the symptoms of these illnesses, I’m hoping for the best. Right now I’m staying with a friend, for those of you who have my cell number, you can call me if you’d like. If you don’t message me and I’ll give it to you. Thanks for reading.

My Mental State.

2010-03-12T02:58:00.002-05:00

So after much careful consideration I've come to the realization that i suffer from more than one mental disease. Maybe even more, i don't know. I've been labeled with having major depression once and having Borderline Personality Disorder twice. I think the symptoms of depression can be associated with the symptoms of BPD. But ever since i started taking my medication, i still don't feel right. I think i may also have inattentive ADHD. I daydream a lot, am disorganized, procrastinate a lot, and am always inpatient. Along with many other things that make me feel I may suffer from it. I will be going to my therapist next week for the first time and I’ll ask her. Hopefully I’ll see a psychiatrist soon because I need new meds, I’m tired of feeling down all the time, with no energy. antidepressants don’t work on me anymore. I think I need something else. I’ve tried most of them. But I’ll just try and be patient for now till I see the doctor. I’ve had a dream where I was in a hospital room and a psychiatrist came in and tried talking to me. My leg was broken, I don’t know why, but I just started crying to her explaining that I felt that my mental state was deteriorating. I don’t know what I should take away from that dream, but I’ll be sure to tell my therapist. Oh and i've stopped taking my methadone, i just felt like i didn't want to be addicted to something else. so i didn't have any problems coming off of it after only 3 weeks on it.

I Gave Up!

2010-02-17T02:46:00.000-05:00

What else did you expect from me right? I'm drunk now. on a downward spiral. nothing left to think, but just depression. that's all i think about now a days. like when i'm walking on the street, i think about someone just starting an argument with me for no reason and shooting me in the head. i don't know why i think these things, they just come naturally to me like breathing. but i just gotta try and forget about them and continue to live this puny pothetic little thing we call life. i'm so fed up with everything that's why i drink. drink to forget. drink to remember happier times. Just drink and listen to the cure. that's all i wanna do all day. and some other songs too. you can never forget about music when you're in a state like this. sometimes love songs give you that hope that there is someone else out there for you. but then you come to the realization that that's not true. love is something made up to sell movies and books.
The End!

3 Week s in and i feel the difference.

2010-02-06T21:32:00.000-05:00

So it's been about 3 weeks since I started my treatment, and it's going great. I’ve had no cravings so far, which is wonderful. Today, my mother gave me $320 dollars to deposit it into her bank account. When i got a hold of the money so many thoughts ran through my mind. But they were all positive thoughts. I couldn’t believe my mom trusted me with this amount of cash so soon. And to top it all what made it really special was that I didn’t get a craving. If you handed me that much money a month ago, I would’ve probably ran to my dealer and gotten enough dope to leave me numb from everything for a long time. Enough to make me forget what I had just done. But I’m glad that I didn’t even consider this an option. I’m glad that when I got the money, I didn’t associate it with dope. That’s another big thing for me. Whenever I used to get money, I would say, ‘Oh nice! Now I can get a bundle’. And I went living like that completely ignoring what was going on around me. Bills were pilling up, I started to owe my boss more money (I still owe him money. I’m just scared to tell him I’m in any kind of treatment.). Well, enough of my past with heroin. I didn’t want this post to be about that. I wanted it to be about my recovery going well.
I must tell the truth. After reading much material that has caused me to be alarmed about the use of methadone, I told the nurse at the window who gives me the daily doses that I wanted to go down 10mg. She said that this was something I should discuss with my counselor. The nurses aren’t allowed to go up nor down on someone’s dose without there being an order in for it. I understood that.
Forgive me for not explaining my reasons for this decision up until now. I’ve been reading about how hard it is to come off of Methadone. About how much pain you go through and for how long. I’ve discussed this with my mom, and she said “at least your drug use won’t be causing pain to yourself or your family”. I’ve told her that it’s keeping me from using heroin because it’s blocking my cravings. So she knows why I’m taking it. You see my mom wasn’t born in the U.S. so she doesn’t know anything about it. So it’s one of those things that you must do for the good of the community. I mean, after the many years of torment my drinking and drug use has caused. This is the least I can do. And as far as the withdrawal pain, I can just check myself into a detox facility when it gets really worse and then go on Suboxone. I heard that it’s easier to detox from Suboxone then Methadone. So I guess I just acted on impulse. I’ve been diagnosed with having Borderline Personality Disorder. And people who suffer from it apparently act on impulses a lot of the time.
So At this point in treatment, I can’t complain about anything. The clinic’s nurses are very nice and friendly to you. Counselors and doctors are nice. No one is being nasty or rude. That was another thing that I’ve read about a lot in forums online. But I guess I got lucky and picked the friendly clinic. I also went to my psychotherapy appointment and did the intake. I went to my general physician’s appointment. Now I’m going to the dentist on Monday. So I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing when you are new in sobriety, and that’s trying to take care of you in every way possible.

1st Attempt at sobriety using Methadone and a little background.

2010-01-25T20:46:00.001-05:00

So it's my 1st out of many attempts at getting sober that I’m using Methadone. The reason I decided to go down the medication route and not the rehab/groups route is, I've done the rehab thing before. And I must say that it did work for a short while. But I already know what I’m going to get out of that and expect all their activities to be somewhat the same. And since I tried and fail before, I think this time it won’t be much different. And then I thought real hard and I came up with a point that is very noteworthy. I must take care of the cravings. That is something that would set me up for failure if I didn’t do this big step in my recovery from Heroin.
Now if you knew me you might be asking a question, what about Alcohol? Are you going to seek help in that area of your life also? And to answer that question, I have to know that something took place while I was addicted to Heroin for 4 years. I replaced my Alcohol addiction with a Heroin addiction. Even though I was still using Alcohol on top of heroin, I feel that it was no longer important to me and I still feel the same way. I even intend on going to NA Meetings later this week. Now am I scared this my abstinence from heroin will lead me back to alcohol addiction? Of course! Should I stop drinking? Hell yea! But do I feel like I should cut alcohol completely from my life? Not if I can drink moderately. And that’s what I’ve been doing recently. My whole life evolved around heroin, alcohol was just there to give me a buzz from time to time. And to tell you the truth I’m not even sure I like the buzz from alcohol anymore. Maybe it’s something that just came with age. But of course I have got to be very attentive as far as alcohol cravings. And I also plan on going to therapy at least twice a week, I just don’t know where yet. I might go back to where I used to go when I got out of my second psych ward visit for a suicide attempt(expect a blog just about my psych ward visits later on) in June.
This time though the whole process just feels different. I’m much more confident and optimistic about the outcome. And it seems like I really have my parents support this time. Not like last time when they said they were there but the trust, patient, compassion along with many more things that would’ve given the hope weren’t. This time they actually believe I might go all the way with my recovery which makes me so happy. It makes me think that someone actually thinks I’m strong enough for this. Of course I didn’t explain to them what Methadone actually is. But little by little I’ll tell them more about it. My parents are the traditional Brazilian parents. They put on a front to the outside world their family is fine when there are so many things wrong. But they are more traditional in the sense that they are both from small towns in Brazil. Both came to the big city (Sao Paulo) in their early 20s or so to find more/better jobs. Then when they started having kids, it was entirely the mom’s job to discipline the kids. I of course wish my mom would’ve been the easy one to get along with. Instead she was the ruler of the house. And if it didn’t go her way, or I misbehaved, we would get beaten. Then the part we missed about discipline, education and growing up was the notorious sex and drug talk. See we never had that so I had to find out what drugs was about on my own. This of course was years before I could ever look anything up on the internet. I relied basically on school and MTV to teach me about drugs. So when curiosity and youth kicks in, it’s a recipe for disaster. Then when I was already sucked in by the fog, the rave scene came along and showed me newer and more dangerous tricks. It is very true when they say that the kids in NYC grow up too fast.
I am so glad though that I am out of that world of drugs. And this has nothing to do with the rave scene, I still respect the music that’s associated with it, and the promoters or the rave scene itself does not condone drug use. It’s a choice each raver takes among her/himself. Moving right along, I’m so happy I’m out of that vicious cycle. I’ve had a long past with Alcohol, Cocaine/Crack, Crystal Meth, Ecstasy, Pot (even though these is not really an addiction drugs) and Heroin, so I have been in different types of hell for most of my life. I am sick and tired of being broke, of having no one in my family believe in me. Of being looked down upon. Of waiting for drug dealers come when they want to come. Heroin and opiates has been the last of my addiction. It seems that throughout the years I’ve just been replacing addictions. See this is another reason why I decided not to do rehab again. I already know a lot about my addiction for me to deal privately with a therapist or psychologist on a 1 on 1 basis. And keep seeing my psychiatrist so I can get my meds for my Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s nothing major, mostly feelings of emptiness and boredom, impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting, intolerance of being alone, recurrent acts of crisis such as wrist cutting, overdosing, or self-injury (such as cutting). So you see, my addiction alone is not the only thing I have to worry about. I also gotta make sure my mental state of mind is at a normal or above stage. Which is not really all that hard, I just got to take my meds, make sure they are still working or if I need to increase/decrease the dosage or change it altogether. So I should keep you guys blogged about my MMT and recovery overall.

Thank you for reading.